Attitude Is A Decision

When my brother, sister and I were young (middle school, high school) there was a little sign by the house phone that said, "Attitude is a decision; Pick A Good One." I hated that sign. It just seemed to mock me if I were in a bad mood. Sometimes I didn't want to pick a good mood. There were times that I was just fine being in the snotty little mood I had.

When I was a junior in high school, I played in a lacrosse game in the evening of a school night. My boyfriend came and after the game we wanted to hang out. Long story short, I stayed out WAY past my curfew, and tried lying to my parents about where I was. My plan was definitely foiled.  When I sped into the driveway, my dad was standing there waiting for me. When my dad is angry he can be PRETTY intimidating so when I saw him I knew right away that I was in TROUBLE. I am sure I got yelled at and cried because I felt awful, but what I remember most is what my punishment was. My dad said that he wasn't going to tell me not to hang out with the guy I was dating because that would be ineffective; he wasn't going to ground me because that would also be ineffective. He suspended me from playing lacrosse for a week which absolutely crushed me, and I had to get up at 4:30am every day for two weeks before school to do chores. I was NOT a morning person; I was actually a pretty terrible person when I first woke up. But it was what it was, so I did it. I didn't complain or pout; I just did it. At the end of my punishment, my dad complimented me on my good attitude every day. I honestly hadn't even thought about it. It was just something that I did without thinking. I didn't feel like I had to make the decision about my attitude.

A lot of people tell me that I am so strong and I have such a good attitude during this long road of recovery. I say thank you because it's not like I think I'm weak or have a bad attitude (even though sometimes I know that I have a bad attitude). I just do it. I tell people all the time that if they were in the same situation they would do the same thing, and part of me really believes that. But there are some times when I think that maybe I am different; maybe I do have an exceptional attitude. But this was always the plan. Apparently I was born with this little brain problem so I think that this situation was always bound to happen (even if had no idea it was coming). So maybe I was made with this attitude for a reason. I don't have to pick a good attitude because I was born with one so that I can get through this trying time.

Just like when I was 17 years old, I just do what I have to do to make something unpleasant be as pleasant as possible. Trust me though, there are SO many days where the unpleasant parts of this are overpowering, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry (sometimes this is more than a 'want' as I go ahead and do it) or dream about what I used to be like, or what I would do if I had just 24 hours of being 'normal.' It's those days that I really have to pull myself out of my funk and actually chose a good attitude. I still see that little sign mocking me, but I better pick a good one because I have no other choice.