Getting Used To It is Not an Option

It seems like the one thing that all people with a TBI can agree on, is that there are good days and bad days, mentally and physically. Movement, even agility, is almost easy on good days.; hope is limitless. Then there are other days where my limbs feel as though they weigh 1000 pounds each, and movement is almost painfully hard and my balance is so off that I can barely stand still when I want, and I am never going to make progress. I will say, my bad days aren't as bad, and there are fewer of them.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am just used to the bad days so they don't seem as hard.

I don't want to be used to this at all. I don't want to get used to not feeling anything with my right hand. I don't if there is a know a rehab that fixes that. Is there some voodoo that I can do to get my nerves to heal? Please tell me if there is. I refuse to get used to the fact that when I lay down I get so dizzy that my stomach hurts and turns. They said I don't have vertigo, so what is it? How do I make it stop? I won't get used to the fact that I can barely walk in a straight line and move without being awkward.

I'm terrified of someday accepting this as normal. I can't believe that this is all I can do. I know it's been 3 years. That seems like an awful long time to try and make this all a thing of the past. I work pretty hard to try and make this all go away, and sometimes, it doesn't seem like anything is happening. Until something does happen..

These days it's nothing big. Recently my improvements aren't as noticeable. In the past I'd celebrate tying my shoe, or walking 1000 yards, trying my shoe, or getting rid of my wheel chair. Now the improvements are much smaller. But I notice (usually; it's nice when someone points it out to me). It might just be gripping something better, or noticing that my balance is better while reaching above my head. Those little things make me continue my hard work.  And so I walk to the gym again, or type on my big embarrassing key board.

This process is BY FAR the slowest, most frustrating, tedious, pain in the ass thing I have EVER done. But I REFUSE to get used to it, or just deal with it, or let it win. I might have bad days once in a while but never do I think that I have a bad life. I need to keep that in mind when I do have a bad day, because those are inevitable.

3 years!!

It's my 3 year anniversary since my brain surgery! My right side is 3 years old. Woohoo! Goin' strong!

"There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

Some Days Ya Gotta Dance

Who says therapy can't be fun?

It has been ALMOST 3 years since my surgery (my 3 year anniversary is tomorrow, September 23rd!). I get asked on a regular basis what the worst thing about my recovery is. Honestly, it's not really a fair question. Anyone who has been through this will tell you that there is not really a good aspect to this situation; constantly getting dizzy, being off balance, not being able to write or type with my right (dominant) hand, not being able to move one side of my body the way I want to, not feeling things, this list goes on and on. I know I am very blessed but there IS one thing that I might miss the most throughout this ordeal: the feeling of being care-free.

Of course I miss my independence, but I also have learned to welcome help from others (not always easy) and I have gained so much of my independence back that my mind is somehow eased by the feeling of hope. But I really don't know if I'll ever feel care-dree again. I truly miss just having fun without thinking, or going somewhere without answering to my own body.

For some reason it's really easy for me to feel very jealous when I watch people on TV. As I view people that just walk and move with ease I say, 'This will never happen to them.' But still, one of my favorite shows is So You Think You Can Dance (on Fox). I LOVE watching people dance! They are so athletic! So graceful! Such body control! I WANT TO DANCE!!!

Turns out, dancing is a great form of physical therapy! It works on balance, small muscle groups,  stabilizers, and proprioception among other things. Plus to me, dancing is a sign of pure joy, fun, and totally being care-free! Well, I am NOT going to let my own body to get in my way! I'm going to dance! I was never very good anyway, so what does it matter now?

"No one looks stupid when they're having fun" - Amy Poehlar

I was determined to dance at my own wedding and so I did. Of course sometimes I lost my balance or just danced with my feet planted on the ground and my arms flailing abut. But for maybe the first time in 3 years, I had REAL fun, and let myself be (almost) completely care free! And let me say, I don't think I ever felt so good in my life! And for a few hours, I didn't think about what I was missing at all.

Me at my wedding. Check out that dance face! Get it, girl!

Use It or Lose It

If I don't do therapy, will I lose all my progress? 

As I began my post-surgery rehab, my surgeon stressed the importance of being diligent about doing both physical and occupational therapy. As I have said before, physical therapy comes naturally to me. I enjoy being physical. Still, I find occupational therapy one of the most frustrating things I've done. 

To move my fingers individually requires a lot of effort. It's hard to describe what I feel (which is not necessarily where they are in space or anything that they are touching...or that they are touching anything!) They feel stiff and heavy, and pressure is all around them, especially at the fingertips. They don't at all do what I feel like they should; it's hard to get them to work well at all. It's truly exhausting to use my fingers and hand.

It literally takes nagging or a lot of effort to get me to work on my fine motor skills. It's not that I don't care; it's only that I don't want to go through the trouble. Does that mean that it doesn't matter to me? 

No, I guess just hope I improve without effort.

News Flash: I won't. When my surgeon talked about the importance of therapy, he said "Use it or lose it." I desperately don't want to lose it, but if I am being honest, I need motivation to use it.

My big concern right now is writing and typing. I mean, using a hair brush and a tooth brush, among other things, is important, but I think I need to go one step at a time. As I type this with one hand I realize that I have gotten accustomed to ignoring "Righty." If I don't utilize my right hand then I don't really have room to complain. 

Sooo baby steps it is. I need to commit to using my right hand to brush my hair and my teeth (I can finish up with my left hand) and it's time to use this bad boy:

That's right; it's a really large keyboard. It's huge. People laugh when they see it. But it's easier for the fingers on my right hand to navigate the large keys. It's one of my occupational therapy tools. I think if I am actually patient and diligent about it, I will make progress.

Patience and progress seem to be the themes throughout this whole endeavor. I can be physically active as much as I want, but if I don't give my right hand the time it needs, I am bound to lose all the fine motor skills that I crave. Hopefully that is motivation enough.


If anyone has recommendations for thick pens (think the girth of one of those fat highlighters) let me know.

Where There's A Will... Pico de Gallo

When I was in my therapy hospital, after a number of weeks, part of my occupational therapy was that I learned how to do 'every day life' things. I made a bed, set a table, all sorts of things. Eventually I got to make brownies; I think all I really did was stir - I don't remember cracking eggs at that point or anything. But I was excited that I got to start to cook. I developed a love of cooking in college, which was really driven by a love of food and eating. I love to eat and can HOUSE food...I definitely eat more than my husband. I should be 500lbs.
After doing some little things, I made a grilled cheese sandwich. I remember feeling accomplished because finally I made something, but I really couldn't believe how hard it was! I was learning how to cook with one 'good' hand, and one hand that didn't seem to want to help a whole lot. We then practiced holding a knife or fork, feeding myself with my right hand, cutting soft things, carrying (plastic) plates, etc. So when I got home, after a while of adjustment, I would practice cooking by making eggs for myself as well as other small meals that were pretty simple. One day I told my dad what I was doing and he said while shaking his head, "I'm not really that worried about you feeding yourself; where there's a will, there's a way."
Well that couldn't be more true. Cooking is something that I have no worries about. I'm not going to make anything overly complicated, or that requires a ton of chopping, but I can still hold my own. I have acquired a couple of gadgets that make my life SO much easier, which I will highlight more in the future. But I have still adjusted and learned how to use a sharp knife etc. I have trouble holding things without a handle with my right hand, and a lot of trouble spreading things. But I think that if I can cook, heaven's knows anyone can.
Today's recipe is for pico de gallo. I always call it salsa, but it's really not as it's all fresh, nothing cooked.
Please forgive the bad quality of these pictures and the lack of 'action' shots; I had trouble working both the camera and knife

Simple ingredients to start (it's easier for me to use jarred garlic because it's hard - and dangerous - for me to cut small things; it's not that I can't, it's just easier

One of my fav kitchen gadgets! The Cuisinart Food Processor (notice the handle!) makes life extremely easy by eliminating a lot of precise fine motor skills with the push of a button. It IS heavy so I cannot say it's my number 1 fav but it's definitely up there

So, I tried to take a picture of me chopping these, but as I said before, it was hard working a knife and a camera at once. The beauty of this is that I barely have to chop these ingredient

while holding the handle wit my left hand - because of the control - and use the spatula to scrape the ingredients into the other bowl

Check out this action shot! I was able to get both hands in the shot for this one. I am quartering the tomatoes and throwing them in the food processor. I tend to either hold the object steady while I cut with the right; other times I guide the knife with my right hand (not shown)

I pored the chopped tomatoes from the food processor easily into the other bowl (tupperware) 

Another one of my favorite kitchen gadgets.  Sometimes squeezing a lime or lemon requires 2 hands, and sometimes "Righty" doesn't like to cooperate. This tool makes getting the juice from these citruses very easy

Fresh pico!

Ingredients:
- small bunch of cilantro
- 1/2 onion (white, yellow, purple, you pick)
- 1 clove (or more or less) of garlic
- 1 jalepeno (or serrano whatever you'd like) pepper
- 3-4 vine or roma tomatoes
- 1 lime
- salt and pepper

1. Roughly chop the first 4 ingredients and toss them in the food processor
2. Blend the ingredients, and put into a bowl or tupperware
3. Cut tomatoes into quarters and put them in food processor
4. Pulse the tomatoes so they don't become just foamy juice
5. Put tomatoes in bowl or tupperware with the rest of the ingredients
6. Stir all ingredients together; add juice of 1 lime, salt and pepper to taste; stir again
7. Enjoy!!

Featured Favorite Kitchen Gadgets
Cuisinart Food Processor http://www.cuisinart.com/products/food_processors/dlc-xpbcn.html
Citrus juicer http://www.surlatable.com/product/PRO-201764/Wood-Citrus-Reamer

I Will Not Let My Foot Stand In My Way

I would say that frustration is a very familiar emotion to me. There are things that I deal with on a daily basis that aggravate me. I scream, throw things, totally break down sometimes. However, I have also developed my patience. Things that I wouldn't have time for in the old days, are now things that I have learned to take a deep breath and take my time with - writing my name, tying my shoes, holding something with my right hand, going down stairs, picking things up etc. But right now I am pissed off. Like, honest to goodness MAD. Why? Because my stupid right foot has morphed into something that is NOT worth "just dealing" with. My arch has seemed to drop, presumably because signals from my brain are not being sent to my foot when I walk, stand, etc. So when I walk my foot turns out and I push off the inside of it. It's hard to explain or describe but it makes wearing shoes very hard. As I have said before, I can't wear heels (for now!!) and certain flats and sandals are a no-go. Well, I have scoped these flats out for a while, inspecting them, trying them on in the store, telling myself that they would actually work for me! So I got them.

Aldo Corinette $80  http://www.aldoshoes.com/us/women/shoes/flats/91939776-corinette/36&flagid=f12studs

Look how cute!!

I got home and immediately wore them around my apartment. They are quite comfy and easy to wear. No pinching or potential of future blisters. BUT my damn right foot doesn't keep the shoe on!! It's like my arch/inside of my foot pushes it off! This is not okay for me! I was set on having a cute pair of flats to wear around, look stylish in, jazz up some outfits. But no! My right foot seems to not care about those things!

I don't know if this picture does justice to this dilemma. Can you see how my right arch/ankle (left of the pic) look different? NOT OK!!

Nope; I am not returning the shoes. I am not telling myself that "it is what it is" and just not wearing them. I am going to fix this. I am not letting this foot and ankle problem win. This is finally motivation for me to ask someone about this. Exercise and re-teaching my body how to move by using exercise, resistance, and weights, are things that saved me. I am going to use those methods again to fix this. By making my muscles do certain things, I in turn, teach my brain those movements, and train it so that those movements become natural. I can guarantee that this will be a long process; there is no fixing my arch/ankle/foot by next week. But it WILL happen. 

Don't you dare try to get in the way of me and something I think is cute. I'll run ya right over.

Will this help in the meantime?
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203251316&c=10640

This??
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=69751722&c=10640#

To get these adorable flats go to http://www.aldoshoes.com/us/women/shoes/flats/91939776-corinette/36&flagid=f12studs

My Musical Motivation

I know that I am a big advocator of having a good attitude and persevering through hard times. However, I am also realistic. There are definitely times when I welcome feeling bad about my life. I tell myself that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself because ultimately it solves nothing. But I kind of think that sometimes it's ok if I feel sorry for myself. Something really bad happened. I lost a large part of how I defined myself. Yes, I have SO much to be grateful for (I am still alive when death was breathing down my neck; not only am I alive but I am doing very well; my surgery could have had a much different outcome and it didn't; I have an incredible support system, on and on and on...). But I think it's ok to mourn the loss of my former self.

In those times, when I don't feel like picking myself up, dusting off, and holding my head high as I limp through life, I love listening to music that basically verifies and agrees with all of my sad thoughts. Here are some songs that I listened to a little too often in my early stages of recovery: (please note that I am VERY well aware that most of these songs are cheesy. Sue me for liking some cheesy music!

- Arcade Fire - My Body is a Cage (this was pretty much my theme song... still kind of is)
- The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space (the lyrics, "I want to have friends/ that I can trust/ that love me for the man I've become not the man that I was/ And I wanna have friends/ that let me be/ all alone when being alone is all that I need" resonates with me)
- Ingrid Michaelson - Keep Breathing
- Kanye West - Lost In This World
- Citizen Cope - Sideways
- LeAnn Rimes - What I Cannot Change
- Glee Cast - Happy Days Are Here Again (sad but not)
- Sufjan Stevens - For the Windows in Paradise 
- Little Big Town - Lean Into It
- Glee Cast - Smile (I know that it's so cheesy to put the Glee version on here but for some reason I love it. This song can make me cry, really cry, at the drop of a hat; it's just heartbreaking to me)
- Norah Jones - The Grass Is Blue (originally a Dolly Parton song, and I LOVE me some Dolly, but I got hooked on this beautiful version)
- Jump Little Children - Cathedrals
- Portishead - Roads (you can't listen to depressing songs without a little Portishead)
- Regina Spektor - Hero

Then after a little while, true to form, I am done wallowing. I still turn to music, but I want it to motivate me, which it does! Here are some songs that I listen to when I need a little push:

- Richie Havens - Here Comes the Sun (in my opinion, this is the very best version of this song; it was the song of the father-daughter dance at my wedding)
- Gwyneth Paltrow - A Fighter (from the movie, Country Strong)
- Robyn - Dancing On My Own 
- Christina Aguilera - Keep On Singin' My Song
- Gwyneth Paltrow - Country Strong (from the movie Country Strong)  Yeah I am!!
- Idina Menzel - Defying Gravity 
- Christina Aguilera - I Am 
- Jo Dee Messina - Bring On the Rain
- Kanye West - Stronger (yeah it's everyone's motivational song but it works. Sue me)
- Timberland with One Republic - Marching On
- Sophie Ellis Baxter - Real Tough Girl 
- Talib Kweli - Get By
- The Talking Heads - This Must Be the Place (Native Melody)
- Kanye West - Amazing (yeah I am, WHAT!)
- Kelly Pickler - Tough (cuz there aint nothin' wrong with a woman that's got a little backbone)

- Chumba Wumba - I Get Knocked Down (obvious choice; duh)

- Eminem - Cinderella Man

- Florence + The Machine - The Dog Days Are Over (I know this is one of her popular songs but no matter what it picks me up, even makes me choke up; I love it)

- Garth Brooks - The River

- Glee Cast - Keep Holding On (I know, I know. I also know that it's not even the original version...I just like it)

I Hate Weekends

The weekend is something that I am pretty sure most every person I know looks forward to. There is even a lovely song about working for it.  It means no work (usually), seeing friends, gettin' crunk (ha!) etc. But it's been only semi recently that the weekend signifies something positive for me. For a solid two, two and a half years, I DREADED the weekend.

Anyone who has had to stay in the hospital for a long amount of time can say that weekends mean the absence of visitors, doctors, noise, everything. At first I was ok with this. It was almost a relief to be alone, sitting in bed, and resting. I almost didn't mind not having any interruptions. But shortly after that it was dreadful. I cannot say that every weekend was like this. There were some that I  had company which helped tremendously. But there were those 2 days when I had no visitors, no doctors checking on me, no therapy. It was just me alone with my own thoughts, which believe me, at that time was a dangerous thing.

Things didn't get that much better when I moved home. Once again, the weekend meant quiet. No therapy; no workouts; no friends around to keep me company. Once again, the weekend was void of all things busy or distracting. And it didn't change that much when I moved back to New York. When I returned, it was easy to think about my life before my brain injury, when Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday were motivation to get me through a long week (when I wasn't working). But the second time around it was different. Not only did my closest friends trickle out of the city, moving around the United States, and my boyfriend (now husband) lived in Memphis, I learned that I was different. I had new limitations. I could no longer live the way that I used to live: full of friends, a boyfriend, and a care-free attitude.  Soon my weekends were filled with me only talking to the people at Starbucks and maybe the grocery store. Don't get me wrong, I love, and need, a little bit of "me time" but when it's consistent, t gets a little lonely.

NYC street fair on a Sunday afternoon in the early fall

I don't speak in absolutes (as a wise man once advised). Not all my weekends were dreadful. Obviously I had plenty of good times during the end of the week, looking forward to them. But I would say, on the whole, the weekend was always something I hated. Recently however, I have once again returned to the familiar life that I once knew. Between my husband, new good friends, and just me feeling better about my own self and life, I look forward to the weekends again. And if I am all alone, my thoughts aren't so dangerous anymore.

If You Can Make It There, You'll Make It Anywhere

I just returned home to Memphis after spending a long weekend in NYC and I'm back on a New York Kick. I actually don't know if I was never NOT on this kick; I have always had very strong feelings towards The Big City. I guess I can call New York my home, though I have lived in a lot of different places throughout my life. It's the place where I feel that I have truly grown up and the one place that I had always dreamed of living. I moved there on my own, barely knowing anyone and made it work.

Bethesda Fountain, Central Park

view from Top of the Rock

I could go on and on about my first 5 years in New York City. I lived in 4 different apartments (in the West Village, the Upper East Side, West Harlem, and the Upper West Side) I worked at two different jobs (not at the same time) and was working on my Masters when the whole brain thing unexpectedly went down. I made so many friends, met my (now) husband, and found my own little nook in such a big city. New York is a bitch of a city; it's harsh, unforgiving, inconvenient, fast, expensive, and all around difficult. It's also incredibly convenient, beautiful, unique, diverse, eclectic, tolerant, offers every opportunity you can ever imagine, and is all around magical.  I always said that when I left, I would miss everything that I hated about the city, which is valid, so when I think of things I love it makes my heart hurt. When I am not there, I ache for New York. I have mentioned that after my injury, moving back was the best decision I could have made and that statement is 100% true.

view from my first UWS apt

I needed to become independent again, and the best way for me to do that was to move back to somewhere that I was familiar with and had a good support group. The driving factor (if you will) was the fact that I didn't have to drive AT ALL to function normally. I moved back to a quiet street on the Upper West Side, and I swear God knew the move was right as I somehow moved into a studio on the ground floor of a building where I used 0 stairs (this is NOT normal in NYC; the apartment I had lived in before I got sick was a 5th floor walk-up). I joined a gym that became another little community for me as I got to know everyone in there, got to know the people at my little deli across the street, the people in the laundromat, the grocery store etc. I had never felt more at home there. That doesn't mean that there weren't times that were extremely hard and incredibly trying. There were nights that I would just bawl my eyes out, or sometimes I would just feel incredibly lonely. BUT New York healed me in so many ways.

Me walking Across the Brooklyn Bridge

I re-developed my independence; I traveled anywhere I wanted whenever I wanted, I carried laundry and groceries; and I maintained my little apartment.  I was able to walk in my funny way down the street and no one cared because, as a lady in a nail salon told me, "It's New York; everyone walks funny." Though the one problem is that sometimes at night, because of how I walked, cab drivers would think I was really drunk and not let me in the cab.

Yay for public transportation!

my old gym

I was able to experience New York the way I wanted to and appreciated every day I had there. When I was there I knew I was supposed to be there, and I can't even explain how much I miss it now. Nope, New York City is not for everyone; as I said, it's a city that will chew you up and spit you out, but it's my home, and believe me, if a girl with a brain injury can make it there, anyone can.

These Shoes Are Made for Walkin'

I often say "I was robbed" of a lot of things n my life. And I was! I have been stripped of the ability to easily do many things. But one of the main things that I complain about is the fact that I was robbed of wearing heels! I will look at magazines, watch TV,  go to stores, and stare at my friends' feet longing for the heels that I see on everyone's feet. Oh to elongate my legs, make my posture better, and just wear the prettiness that heels tend to offer! But I can't...YET!  For now, I need shoes that are easy to walk in; I need decent support from the sole of the shoe, but also from the top, and oddly I need good support around my heel and ankle. I cannot wear flip flops because my right foot can't keep shoes without backs on! I don't know if it's lack of feeling, lack of muscle control, or all of the above. One day my right foot and ankle will work the way I want it to, but until then, I find 'flats' that I am proud to wear. Though I miss heels, these are some of the shoes that I am proud to wear! (I apologize for my well worn, dirty shoes!)

 I think it's fair to show these little Nikes first. I have 3 pairs (different colors) These are a staple for me. It's just a fact that tennis shoes/sneakers work the best for me. They just make walking easier. I can get away with wearing these shoes with shorts, some jeans, etc. I am not promoting jeans with tennies (fashion faux pas!) but you know what? It is what it is and these work well. I would wear these all around NYC because they are great, easy walking shoes! Another trend in all of these shoes is that I can just slip them on and off without having to tie them. Yes, I can tie shoes, but it tends to take time which I don't always have.

 

Another easy shoe that stays on my foot easily as I walk, are Sperry's! They are great for all of the same reasons as the tennis shoes, but there is less support, so I find myself getting more tired if I wear these for an entire day.

Ah Tom's. Some people love them, some think they are so ugly. I think they are cute! Anyway, I couldn't wear Tom's for about 2-2.5 years. There wasn't enough support and my right foot would fling it right off! But now I can sport them all around town! However, I will not wear them if I know I am waking a lot. I definitely won't wear them around New York City which I am going to TODAY! :-)

Sandals are risky. It took a few years for me to wear them consistently. It also took a while for me to find what works for me.
I love these sandals! They are Sam Edleman and they are great! They offer plenty of support on the top of my foot, my toes are locked and loaded into place, and please notice that there is plenty of support around my heels! There is also a nice little cushion on the sole.

These sandals might be my favorite. They are DVF's (Diane Von Furstenburg). It's not hard to see that there is plenty of support all around them! I dress them up or down, I wear these with basically anything, and I love that there are no buckles, just a zipper! It makes my life SO much easier.

I am pretty sure these are my favorite purchase of the summer. I don't know that I could have always worn them because they don't have a lot of coverage. However, the sole is nice and cushioned and are very comfortable.The strap around my toes keep things in place, and the strap around my ankle lends stability. There is also good support around my heel which helps the most.

I complain about the fact that I can't wear heels. I guess that is not the entire truth. Very recently, I have been able to wear cowboy boots! The heel is wide, and if you get a good pair of boots, there is plenty of good support in the sole and heel. I am not a great walker when wearing these (I'm not a great walker any day of the week no matter what shoes I wear) and I often need help but I manage.

My now husband and I

Me and my friend Alexis at my rehearsal dinner

I have honestly not found a pair of flats that I LOVE. There are many that are fine for a while but sooner or later they come off by choice or not. If there are any suggestions, please let me know.

I may not rock heels just yet but I am SLOWLY making progress toward the day I can strap them on and feel like a lady!

I will be highlighting my fall and winter boots and shoes soon!!

Attitude Is A Decision

When my brother, sister and I were young (middle school, high school) there was a little sign by the house phone that said, "Attitude is a decision; Pick A Good One." I hated that sign. It just seemed to mock me if I were in a bad mood. Sometimes I didn't want to pick a good mood. There were times that I was just fine being in the snotty little mood I had.

When I was a junior in high school, I played in a lacrosse game in the evening of a school night. My boyfriend came and after the game we wanted to hang out. Long story short, I stayed out WAY past my curfew, and tried lying to my parents about where I was. My plan was definitely foiled.  When I sped into the driveway, my dad was standing there waiting for me. When my dad is angry he can be PRETTY intimidating so when I saw him I knew right away that I was in TROUBLE. I am sure I got yelled at and cried because I felt awful, but what I remember most is what my punishment was. My dad said that he wasn't going to tell me not to hang out with the guy I was dating because that would be ineffective; he wasn't going to ground me because that would also be ineffective. He suspended me from playing lacrosse for a week which absolutely crushed me, and I had to get up at 4:30am every day for two weeks before school to do chores. I was NOT a morning person; I was actually a pretty terrible person when I first woke up. But it was what it was, so I did it. I didn't complain or pout; I just did it. At the end of my punishment, my dad complimented me on my good attitude every day. I honestly hadn't even thought about it. It was just something that I did without thinking. I didn't feel like I had to make the decision about my attitude.

A lot of people tell me that I am so strong and I have such a good attitude during this long road of recovery. I say thank you because it's not like I think I'm weak or have a bad attitude (even though sometimes I know that I have a bad attitude). I just do it. I tell people all the time that if they were in the same situation they would do the same thing, and part of me really believes that. But there are some times when I think that maybe I am different; maybe I do have an exceptional attitude. But this was always the plan. Apparently I was born with this little brain problem so I think that this situation was always bound to happen (even if had no idea it was coming). So maybe I was made with this attitude for a reason. I don't have to pick a good attitude because I was born with one so that I can get through this trying time.

Just like when I was 17 years old, I just do what I have to do to make something unpleasant be as pleasant as possible. Trust me though, there are SO many days where the unpleasant parts of this are overpowering, and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry (sometimes this is more than a 'want' as I go ahead and do it) or dream about what I used to be like, or what I would do if I had just 24 hours of being 'normal.' It's those days that I really have to pull myself out of my funk and actually chose a good attitude. I still see that little sign mocking me, but I better pick a good one because I have no other choice.