Fake It Till Ya Make It...in pictures

Aaah I'm back!  I haven't written in oh-so-long for many reasons, and it's really too bad because I have a lot to write about! One thing at a time, but bottom line is that I am back, and at least for now, feeling rejuvenated!

So one of my "things" is that I am a tad self-conscious of how I look to the outside world. I once felt like I looked (somewhat) graceful, athletic, and strong. Now when I think of myself those adjectives don't even come to mind. I have become an imbalanced, un-athletic, jagged mover. To a small extent, I have come to terms with this, though I will never accept it as permanent. Having this in mind, I get it; this is how I walk and move right now; people see it, some stare yaddy yaddy yadda, but I will be damned if there are photos of me that look like there is anything wrong with me.

It has taken me a while to get this way (what with the whole having both sides of my face look symmetric and all) but for the most part I have achieved it.

I look this picture of myself in the hospital to show my sister my short hair, Clearly not symmetrical, and seriously concentrating. 

In the hospital, no eye- patch, not symmetrical!

Still in hospital, trying hard to look normal but not quite achieving.

Not to let everyone in on a secret, but if you notice, in most pictures I am using only the left side of my body. Only I seem to notice when I look 'funny.' The only thing I still worry about are my eyes, as sometimes they cross when I focus on a single small spot such as a camera. But like anyone taking a good picture, I know my angles!

Perfect example of only utilizing my left side as I stand on my left leg

My god-mother and I at The Walk for Thought in San Diego to raise money for brain injuries. It is very obvious that my right hand/arm is a little 'off' here.  

I know that in the grand scheme of things, this is not an important thing to worry about. But appearing normal is a huge part of feeling normal, which is the name of the game. I am constantly striving for life beyond what is normal for me, as I don't really have any other choice, but as far as pictures go, normalcy is just fine with me.

Bikram Will Kick You're Buttkram

As we all know, I am very diligent about working out, trying to work my body back into a state of normalcy.  I am used to working hard using weights, my own cardio routine, spin classes and some serious workouts from both the Michigan football strength team, and an assistant strength coach from the University of Memphis football program. In the past, throughout my recovery, I had done some yoga, but I was recently introduced to Bikram Yoga. Biktam is a different ball game.

I have only done it twice now, and thank you to my new sister-in-law, I was able to get some private lessons. These little private tutorials were actually really great because we were able to go slow and make plenty of adjustments, which are obviously necessary to a girl with a "limited" right side, total numbness, and a sever lack of balance.

Before I went, I heard plenty of stories about how hot it is, sometimes claustrophobic, incredibly hard and draining it can be, especially after the first time. Now, I can't really say any of this because I haven't been in an actual class yet. I will say, I sweat like a large man during it. Like, ring out my clothes afterwards, dripping in my eyes sweat, which actually makes things harder for me, as if it isn't hard enough!

Frustration throughout Bikram yoga is an under statement. In some way, I let myself get very frustrated not being able to do certain things that are easy or taken for granted for by those who aren't in my situation.(things like grasping my foot or ankle with my right hand.) But I honestly don't let myself get caught up in that. I highly doubt that once I get into class that everyone will treat this like it's a piece of cake. Obviously the instructor is going to be crazy good at every pose.

My first class is Monday. I am very excited! I honestly think that if I do it consistently, it will be something that helps a lot, and I see some sort of benefit from it. It won't happen overnight, but like every single thing that I deal with in this crazy recovery, nothing does.

Can Fish Oil Help Heal An Injured Brain?

My cousin sent me a very interesting article about how healing fish oil can be with a TBI. It's amazing that she sent this because my mom and I have been discussing the importance of fish oil! Is the universe trying to tell me something? I already take 4 pills a day but I wonder if I should increase the dosage. Any advice?

Click on the link below to read the article! So interesting!
http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/19/health/fish-oil-brain-injuries/index.html?hpt=hp_c2http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/19/health/fish-oil-brain-injuries/index.html?hpt=hp_c2

Some Work Out to Work Out; I Work Out to Work

OK so I don't lead the most exciting life.

I am very conscious that I don't always feel like I have a lot to show for my day. At the moment, I don't technically have a job (can't drive to one, need a job that would hire me yaddy yaddy yadda) but I do work. The difference in what I do now, and a "normal" job, is that my job right now is to get better. And to do that, I need to work out.

I don't work out because I am bored or want to get skinny (though c'mon, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't care if I gained a bunch of weight). I work out because I have to. It is the only way I can get my brain and body to recover. I'm aware of the fact that I will not be the same person that I used to be, but I will recover.

Moving to Memphis and adjusting to a new gym, plus realizing and accepting that my body is at a different place than it was 6 months ago, I've readjusted my workout regimen. I still do my regular workout that has both cardio (20-40 mins between the elliptical and the stair mill), lifting weights (both arms and legs), and working on my core (great for balance) as well as days where I mainly do cardio, balance, (the Bosu Ball and I have a very love/hate relationship) and some basic agilities.

Look at these 2 nuts! They seem to be loving the Bosu Ball!

Lately, I have combined my old workout with new things. I have started doing spin class 1-3 days a week (which is obviously a great cardio workout but also is great for balance, muscle control, and my grip), and occasionally a class that really challenges my small muscle groups, balance, and stability. Then a few weeks ago, I started to work out with an assistant strength coach for the football team at the University of Memphis 1-2 days  week. With him, I have lifted weights, challenging muscles that I don't normally reach, which helps with my proprioception as well as making muscle fibers fire that aren't necessarily firing that should be. We also do agility type wok which challenges my body to move in ways that should be easy and are not. These days kill me. Next week (hopefully) I am starting Bikram Yoga. I am pretty sure that this will take challenging me to a new level. From everything that I am told and read about I think it'll be great for me as well as insanely hard for me. I'll definitely document how that goes.

Basically, through doing all of this, I am consistently working my muscles to create new pathways between my body and my brain. In doing so repetitively the goal is that my brain will use these new pathways and fire these muscles, stabilizers, use balance, and proprioception on its own, without me forcing it to do so.

Like any job, there are days when I am not motivated, not productive, or play hooky. But also like having a job, I make myself go at least 5 days a week. I have to be consistent or I take steps backwards which, in this scenario, it's just not ok. I work out not only for me, but for my family, my husband, my friends, and my future family. I have real goals and motivations.  Working out is my job; my profession, and I don't usually take it lightly.

A Day in the Life - Let's Go Grocery Shopping!

I know I have been absent. I seem to continue to think negatively about my situation right now. I think my slump not only comes from my 'woe is me' attitude, but the fact that I recently moved to Memphis and don't really feel like myself yet. I know that this is something that almost anyone who has moved can relate to; it's just hard. It's hard for me to really open up to people I am getting to know, or in situations where I don't feel like I am in control.

I am dealing with that on top of the fact that I am getting used to introducing people I don't know to a side of myself that I am not really comfortable with yet. It's not comfortable to ask for help before you know someone, and it's hard to be myself without asking for some help. *sigh* it's a vicious cycle. I'll get over it.

To try and bring myself out of my little pity party, I decided that I need to focus on things that make me happy. One of the little things in life that gives me joy and comfort is cooking. In honor of the fall (cold-ish weather finally came to Memphis, though it's not supposed to really last) I am cooking turkey vegetable chili and corn bread muffins. In order to do that I need to take a little trip to the grocery store. For most people (excluding those in NYC etc) you just get in your car and go. For me, there i a little more strategy involved.

I need a few things to make my life easier:

I am one of the 6 people in the country that don't have the iphone yet (yes, I'm exaggerating... I'm probably 1 of about 13) so I had to get the notepad app. It's a wonderful tool for me because it makes my grocery list legible.

This disposable bag is one of my favorites. Yes it's good for the environment, but what I really value about it is that I can put it on my shoulder which helps IMMENSELY with my balance when I am carrying anything while walking.

And look! I can fold it into a little package to fit in my purse!

My cross body bag which is crucial every single day of my life. Thank God cross body bags are 'in' and popular because it makes my life so much easier. The fact that I have the use of my arms as well as the distribution of weight helps my balance a lot.

This is my walk to the store right out of my complex. The grocery store is down at the end of the street. This is not a walking town (Rarely do you see people walking for purpose here) but it's obviously very possible.

There it is! A quick .2 miles away!

Made it. Look at Righty steering the cart; clinging on for dear life.

I ended up bringing 2 grocery bags, thank goodness. One for each shoulder.

For my right side, I place the bag on my right shoulder, guide my hand to clutch the bag and try and keep my arm in place for the walk home.

Some days are harder, some days are easier, but regardless, my tools are always the same. I am so thankful that we not only live in a part of town that allows me to do this, but the fact that I am able to do this at all. That fact alone makes me a little happier.

Don't Quote That!

Honesty is the best policy, right?

Well if I am honest, the reason why I haven't been blogging lately is because sometimes it's hard to have a positive or hopeful outlook on what happened. Sometimes what was taken away can be devastating. So to write about it seems too dark, like I wouldn't want to see my own thoughts written down.

I read this quote recently: "Don't spend your'e whole life trying to get back something that was taken from you." Initially, I thought it was great; yes, life is different now! It's time to adapt. Then after thinking about it, I found the quote quite depressing. How dare someone say that? Like I said before, I refuse to get used to this and I kind of feel like that quote is telling me to do so.

I'm sorry, but was that quote referring to feeling like your personality was taken away? Your destiny as a women? Because you know what, I'm going to go ahead and fight tooth and nail to get that back. That quote is crap. Fight; get back what was taken; discover new ways to live life along the way.

So until I get out of my slump, stop thinking about how dumb that quote is, and start taking my own advice, I will think about happy and inspirational things!

Happy:
Swimming in the Pacific Ocean. I feel like me!!! I get so happy just thinking about it I want to cry.

 

Inspirational:
Brock Mealer - I wrote about him and shared his story on an earlier post. I worked out with him and got to see him make amazing progress and he just keeps FIGHTING and making more progress. If you think you're tough, you're not. Check out someone who is: (his latest progress)

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/mealer-family-walking-tall-after-tragedy

and

this video

Getting Used To It is Not an Option

It seems like the one thing that all people with a TBI can agree on, is that there are good days and bad days, mentally and physically. Movement, even agility, is almost easy on good days.; hope is limitless. Then there are other days where my limbs feel as though they weigh 1000 pounds each, and movement is almost painfully hard and my balance is so off that I can barely stand still when I want, and I am never going to make progress. I will say, my bad days aren't as bad, and there are fewer of them.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am just used to the bad days so they don't seem as hard.

I don't want to be used to this at all. I don't want to get used to not feeling anything with my right hand. I don't if there is a know a rehab that fixes that. Is there some voodoo that I can do to get my nerves to heal? Please tell me if there is. I refuse to get used to the fact that when I lay down I get so dizzy that my stomach hurts and turns. They said I don't have vertigo, so what is it? How do I make it stop? I won't get used to the fact that I can barely walk in a straight line and move without being awkward.

I'm terrified of someday accepting this as normal. I can't believe that this is all I can do. I know it's been 3 years. That seems like an awful long time to try and make this all a thing of the past. I work pretty hard to try and make this all go away, and sometimes, it doesn't seem like anything is happening. Until something does happen..

These days it's nothing big. Recently my improvements aren't as noticeable. In the past I'd celebrate tying my shoe, or walking 1000 yards, trying my shoe, or getting rid of my wheel chair. Now the improvements are much smaller. But I notice (usually; it's nice when someone points it out to me). It might just be gripping something better, or noticing that my balance is better while reaching above my head. Those little things make me continue my hard work.  And so I walk to the gym again, or type on my big embarrassing key board.

This process is BY FAR the slowest, most frustrating, tedious, pain in the ass thing I have EVER done. But I REFUSE to get used to it, or just deal with it, or let it win. I might have bad days once in a while but never do I think that I have a bad life. I need to keep that in mind when I do have a bad day, because those are inevitable.

3 years!!

It's my 3 year anniversary since my brain surgery! My right side is 3 years old. Woohoo! Goin' strong!

"There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

Some Days Ya Gotta Dance

Who says therapy can't be fun?

It has been ALMOST 3 years since my surgery (my 3 year anniversary is tomorrow, September 23rd!). I get asked on a regular basis what the worst thing about my recovery is. Honestly, it's not really a fair question. Anyone who has been through this will tell you that there is not really a good aspect to this situation; constantly getting dizzy, being off balance, not being able to write or type with my right (dominant) hand, not being able to move one side of my body the way I want to, not feeling things, this list goes on and on. I know I am very blessed but there IS one thing that I might miss the most throughout this ordeal: the feeling of being care-free.

Of course I miss my independence, but I also have learned to welcome help from others (not always easy) and I have gained so much of my independence back that my mind is somehow eased by the feeling of hope. But I really don't know if I'll ever feel care-dree again. I truly miss just having fun without thinking, or going somewhere without answering to my own body.

For some reason it's really easy for me to feel very jealous when I watch people on TV. As I view people that just walk and move with ease I say, 'This will never happen to them.' But still, one of my favorite shows is So You Think You Can Dance (on Fox). I LOVE watching people dance! They are so athletic! So graceful! Such body control! I WANT TO DANCE!!!

Turns out, dancing is a great form of physical therapy! It works on balance, small muscle groups,  stabilizers, and proprioception among other things. Plus to me, dancing is a sign of pure joy, fun, and totally being care-free! Well, I am NOT going to let my own body to get in my way! I'm going to dance! I was never very good anyway, so what does it matter now?

"No one looks stupid when they're having fun" - Amy Poehlar

I was determined to dance at my own wedding and so I did. Of course sometimes I lost my balance or just danced with my feet planted on the ground and my arms flailing abut. But for maybe the first time in 3 years, I had REAL fun, and let myself be (almost) completely care free! And let me say, I don't think I ever felt so good in my life! And for a few hours, I didn't think about what I was missing at all.

Me at my wedding. Check out that dance face! Get it, girl!

Use It or Lose It

If I don't do therapy, will I lose all my progress? 

As I began my post-surgery rehab, my surgeon stressed the importance of being diligent about doing both physical and occupational therapy. As I have said before, physical therapy comes naturally to me. I enjoy being physical. Still, I find occupational therapy one of the most frustrating things I've done. 

To move my fingers individually requires a lot of effort. It's hard to describe what I feel (which is not necessarily where they are in space or anything that they are touching...or that they are touching anything!) They feel stiff and heavy, and pressure is all around them, especially at the fingertips. They don't at all do what I feel like they should; it's hard to get them to work well at all. It's truly exhausting to use my fingers and hand.

It literally takes nagging or a lot of effort to get me to work on my fine motor skills. It's not that I don't care; it's only that I don't want to go through the trouble. Does that mean that it doesn't matter to me? 

No, I guess just hope I improve without effort.

News Flash: I won't. When my surgeon talked about the importance of therapy, he said "Use it or lose it." I desperately don't want to lose it, but if I am being honest, I need motivation to use it.

My big concern right now is writing and typing. I mean, using a hair brush and a tooth brush, among other things, is important, but I think I need to go one step at a time. As I type this with one hand I realize that I have gotten accustomed to ignoring "Righty." If I don't utilize my right hand then I don't really have room to complain. 

Sooo baby steps it is. I need to commit to using my right hand to brush my hair and my teeth (I can finish up with my left hand) and it's time to use this bad boy:

That's right; it's a really large keyboard. It's huge. People laugh when they see it. But it's easier for the fingers on my right hand to navigate the large keys. It's one of my occupational therapy tools. I think if I am actually patient and diligent about it, I will make progress.

Patience and progress seem to be the themes throughout this whole endeavor. I can be physically active as much as I want, but if I don't give my right hand the time it needs, I am bound to lose all the fine motor skills that I crave. Hopefully that is motivation enough.


If anyone has recommendations for thick pens (think the girth of one of those fat highlighters) let me know.

Where There's A Will... Pico de Gallo

When I was in my therapy hospital, after a number of weeks, part of my occupational therapy was that I learned how to do 'every day life' things. I made a bed, set a table, all sorts of things. Eventually I got to make brownies; I think all I really did was stir - I don't remember cracking eggs at that point or anything. But I was excited that I got to start to cook. I developed a love of cooking in college, which was really driven by a love of food and eating. I love to eat and can HOUSE food...I definitely eat more than my husband. I should be 500lbs.
After doing some little things, I made a grilled cheese sandwich. I remember feeling accomplished because finally I made something, but I really couldn't believe how hard it was! I was learning how to cook with one 'good' hand, and one hand that didn't seem to want to help a whole lot. We then practiced holding a knife or fork, feeding myself with my right hand, cutting soft things, carrying (plastic) plates, etc. So when I got home, after a while of adjustment, I would practice cooking by making eggs for myself as well as other small meals that were pretty simple. One day I told my dad what I was doing and he said while shaking his head, "I'm not really that worried about you feeding yourself; where there's a will, there's a way."
Well that couldn't be more true. Cooking is something that I have no worries about. I'm not going to make anything overly complicated, or that requires a ton of chopping, but I can still hold my own. I have acquired a couple of gadgets that make my life SO much easier, which I will highlight more in the future. But I have still adjusted and learned how to use a sharp knife etc. I have trouble holding things without a handle with my right hand, and a lot of trouble spreading things. But I think that if I can cook, heaven's knows anyone can.
Today's recipe is for pico de gallo. I always call it salsa, but it's really not as it's all fresh, nothing cooked.
Please forgive the bad quality of these pictures and the lack of 'action' shots; I had trouble working both the camera and knife

Simple ingredients to start (it's easier for me to use jarred garlic because it's hard - and dangerous - for me to cut small things; it's not that I can't, it's just easier

One of my fav kitchen gadgets! The Cuisinart Food Processor (notice the handle!) makes life extremely easy by eliminating a lot of precise fine motor skills with the push of a button. It IS heavy so I cannot say it's my number 1 fav but it's definitely up there

So, I tried to take a picture of me chopping these, but as I said before, it was hard working a knife and a camera at once. The beauty of this is that I barely have to chop these ingredient

while holding the handle wit my left hand - because of the control - and use the spatula to scrape the ingredients into the other bowl

Check out this action shot! I was able to get both hands in the shot for this one. I am quartering the tomatoes and throwing them in the food processor. I tend to either hold the object steady while I cut with the right; other times I guide the knife with my right hand (not shown)

I pored the chopped tomatoes from the food processor easily into the other bowl (tupperware) 

Another one of my favorite kitchen gadgets.  Sometimes squeezing a lime or lemon requires 2 hands, and sometimes "Righty" doesn't like to cooperate. This tool makes getting the juice from these citruses very easy

Fresh pico!

Ingredients:
- small bunch of cilantro
- 1/2 onion (white, yellow, purple, you pick)
- 1 clove (or more or less) of garlic
- 1 jalepeno (or serrano whatever you'd like) pepper
- 3-4 vine or roma tomatoes
- 1 lime
- salt and pepper

1. Roughly chop the first 4 ingredients and toss them in the food processor
2. Blend the ingredients, and put into a bowl or tupperware
3. Cut tomatoes into quarters and put them in food processor
4. Pulse the tomatoes so they don't become just foamy juice
5. Put tomatoes in bowl or tupperware with the rest of the ingredients
6. Stir all ingredients together; add juice of 1 lime, salt and pepper to taste; stir again
7. Enjoy!!

Featured Favorite Kitchen Gadgets
Cuisinart Food Processor http://www.cuisinart.com/products/food_processors/dlc-xpbcn.html
Citrus juicer http://www.surlatable.com/product/PRO-201764/Wood-Citrus-Reamer

I Will Not Let My Foot Stand In My Way

I would say that frustration is a very familiar emotion to me. There are things that I deal with on a daily basis that aggravate me. I scream, throw things, totally break down sometimes. However, I have also developed my patience. Things that I wouldn't have time for in the old days, are now things that I have learned to take a deep breath and take my time with - writing my name, tying my shoes, holding something with my right hand, going down stairs, picking things up etc. But right now I am pissed off. Like, honest to goodness MAD. Why? Because my stupid right foot has morphed into something that is NOT worth "just dealing" with. My arch has seemed to drop, presumably because signals from my brain are not being sent to my foot when I walk, stand, etc. So when I walk my foot turns out and I push off the inside of it. It's hard to explain or describe but it makes wearing shoes very hard. As I have said before, I can't wear heels (for now!!) and certain flats and sandals are a no-go. Well, I have scoped these flats out for a while, inspecting them, trying them on in the store, telling myself that they would actually work for me! So I got them.

Aldo Corinette $80  http://www.aldoshoes.com/us/women/shoes/flats/91939776-corinette/36&flagid=f12studs

Look how cute!!

I got home and immediately wore them around my apartment. They are quite comfy and easy to wear. No pinching or potential of future blisters. BUT my damn right foot doesn't keep the shoe on!! It's like my arch/inside of my foot pushes it off! This is not okay for me! I was set on having a cute pair of flats to wear around, look stylish in, jazz up some outfits. But no! My right foot seems to not care about those things!

I don't know if this picture does justice to this dilemma. Can you see how my right arch/ankle (left of the pic) look different? NOT OK!!

Nope; I am not returning the shoes. I am not telling myself that "it is what it is" and just not wearing them. I am going to fix this. I am not letting this foot and ankle problem win. This is finally motivation for me to ask someone about this. Exercise and re-teaching my body how to move by using exercise, resistance, and weights, are things that saved me. I am going to use those methods again to fix this. By making my muscles do certain things, I in turn, teach my brain those movements, and train it so that those movements become natural. I can guarantee that this will be a long process; there is no fixing my arch/ankle/foot by next week. But it WILL happen. 

Don't you dare try to get in the way of me and something I think is cute. I'll run ya right over.

Will this help in the meantime?
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=203251316&c=10640

This??
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=69751722&c=10640#

To get these adorable flats go to http://www.aldoshoes.com/us/women/shoes/flats/91939776-corinette/36&flagid=f12studs

My Musical Motivation

I know that I am a big advocator of having a good attitude and persevering through hard times. However, I am also realistic. There are definitely times when I welcome feeling bad about my life. I tell myself that I shouldn't feel sorry for myself because ultimately it solves nothing. But I kind of think that sometimes it's ok if I feel sorry for myself. Something really bad happened. I lost a large part of how I defined myself. Yes, I have SO much to be grateful for (I am still alive when death was breathing down my neck; not only am I alive but I am doing very well; my surgery could have had a much different outcome and it didn't; I have an incredible support system, on and on and on...). But I think it's ok to mourn the loss of my former self.

In those times, when I don't feel like picking myself up, dusting off, and holding my head high as I limp through life, I love listening to music that basically verifies and agrees with all of my sad thoughts. Here are some songs that I listened to a little too often in my early stages of recovery: (please note that I am VERY well aware that most of these songs are cheesy. Sue me for liking some cheesy music!

- Arcade Fire - My Body is a Cage (this was pretty much my theme song... still kind of is)
- The Avett Brothers - The Perfect Space (the lyrics, "I want to have friends/ that I can trust/ that love me for the man I've become not the man that I was/ And I wanna have friends/ that let me be/ all alone when being alone is all that I need" resonates with me)
- Ingrid Michaelson - Keep Breathing
- Kanye West - Lost In This World
- Citizen Cope - Sideways
- LeAnn Rimes - What I Cannot Change
- Glee Cast - Happy Days Are Here Again (sad but not)
- Sufjan Stevens - For the Windows in Paradise 
- Little Big Town - Lean Into It
- Glee Cast - Smile (I know that it's so cheesy to put the Glee version on here but for some reason I love it. This song can make me cry, really cry, at the drop of a hat; it's just heartbreaking to me)
- Norah Jones - The Grass Is Blue (originally a Dolly Parton song, and I LOVE me some Dolly, but I got hooked on this beautiful version)
- Jump Little Children - Cathedrals
- Portishead - Roads (you can't listen to depressing songs without a little Portishead)
- Regina Spektor - Hero

Then after a little while, true to form, I am done wallowing. I still turn to music, but I want it to motivate me, which it does! Here are some songs that I listen to when I need a little push:

- Richie Havens - Here Comes the Sun (in my opinion, this is the very best version of this song; it was the song of the father-daughter dance at my wedding)
- Gwyneth Paltrow - A Fighter (from the movie, Country Strong)
- Robyn - Dancing On My Own 
- Christina Aguilera - Keep On Singin' My Song
- Gwyneth Paltrow - Country Strong (from the movie Country Strong)  Yeah I am!!
- Idina Menzel - Defying Gravity 
- Christina Aguilera - I Am 
- Jo Dee Messina - Bring On the Rain
- Kanye West - Stronger (yeah it's everyone's motivational song but it works. Sue me)
- Timberland with One Republic - Marching On
- Sophie Ellis Baxter - Real Tough Girl 
- Talib Kweli - Get By
- The Talking Heads - This Must Be the Place (Native Melody)
- Kanye West - Amazing (yeah I am, WHAT!)
- Kelly Pickler - Tough (cuz there aint nothin' wrong with a woman that's got a little backbone)

- Chumba Wumba - I Get Knocked Down (obvious choice; duh)

- Eminem - Cinderella Man

- Florence + The Machine - The Dog Days Are Over (I know this is one of her popular songs but no matter what it picks me up, even makes me choke up; I love it)

- Garth Brooks - The River

- Glee Cast - Keep Holding On (I know, I know. I also know that it's not even the original version...I just like it)

I Hate Weekends

The weekend is something that I am pretty sure most every person I know looks forward to. There is even a lovely song about working for it.  It means no work (usually), seeing friends, gettin' crunk (ha!) etc. But it's been only semi recently that the weekend signifies something positive for me. For a solid two, two and a half years, I DREADED the weekend.

Anyone who has had to stay in the hospital for a long amount of time can say that weekends mean the absence of visitors, doctors, noise, everything. At first I was ok with this. It was almost a relief to be alone, sitting in bed, and resting. I almost didn't mind not having any interruptions. But shortly after that it was dreadful. I cannot say that every weekend was like this. There were some that I  had company which helped tremendously. But there were those 2 days when I had no visitors, no doctors checking on me, no therapy. It was just me alone with my own thoughts, which believe me, at that time was a dangerous thing.

Things didn't get that much better when I moved home. Once again, the weekend meant quiet. No therapy; no workouts; no friends around to keep me company. Once again, the weekend was void of all things busy or distracting. And it didn't change that much when I moved back to New York. When I returned, it was easy to think about my life before my brain injury, when Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday were motivation to get me through a long week (when I wasn't working). But the second time around it was different. Not only did my closest friends trickle out of the city, moving around the United States, and my boyfriend (now husband) lived in Memphis, I learned that I was different. I had new limitations. I could no longer live the way that I used to live: full of friends, a boyfriend, and a care-free attitude.  Soon my weekends were filled with me only talking to the people at Starbucks and maybe the grocery store. Don't get me wrong, I love, and need, a little bit of "me time" but when it's consistent, t gets a little lonely.

NYC street fair on a Sunday afternoon in the early fall

I don't speak in absolutes (as a wise man once advised). Not all my weekends were dreadful. Obviously I had plenty of good times during the end of the week, looking forward to them. But I would say, on the whole, the weekend was always something I hated. Recently however, I have once again returned to the familiar life that I once knew. Between my husband, new good friends, and just me feeling better about my own self and life, I look forward to the weekends again. And if I am all alone, my thoughts aren't so dangerous anymore.

If You Can Make It There, You'll Make It Anywhere

I just returned home to Memphis after spending a long weekend in NYC and I'm back on a New York Kick. I actually don't know if I was never NOT on this kick; I have always had very strong feelings towards The Big City. I guess I can call New York my home, though I have lived in a lot of different places throughout my life. It's the place where I feel that I have truly grown up and the one place that I had always dreamed of living. I moved there on my own, barely knowing anyone and made it work.

Bethesda Fountain, Central Park

view from Top of the Rock

I could go on and on about my first 5 years in New York City. I lived in 4 different apartments (in the West Village, the Upper East Side, West Harlem, and the Upper West Side) I worked at two different jobs (not at the same time) and was working on my Masters when the whole brain thing unexpectedly went down. I made so many friends, met my (now) husband, and found my own little nook in such a big city. New York is a bitch of a city; it's harsh, unforgiving, inconvenient, fast, expensive, and all around difficult. It's also incredibly convenient, beautiful, unique, diverse, eclectic, tolerant, offers every opportunity you can ever imagine, and is all around magical.  I always said that when I left, I would miss everything that I hated about the city, which is valid, so when I think of things I love it makes my heart hurt. When I am not there, I ache for New York. I have mentioned that after my injury, moving back was the best decision I could have made and that statement is 100% true.

view from my first UWS apt

I needed to become independent again, and the best way for me to do that was to move back to somewhere that I was familiar with and had a good support group. The driving factor (if you will) was the fact that I didn't have to drive AT ALL to function normally. I moved back to a quiet street on the Upper West Side, and I swear God knew the move was right as I somehow moved into a studio on the ground floor of a building where I used 0 stairs (this is NOT normal in NYC; the apartment I had lived in before I got sick was a 5th floor walk-up). I joined a gym that became another little community for me as I got to know everyone in there, got to know the people at my little deli across the street, the people in the laundromat, the grocery store etc. I had never felt more at home there. That doesn't mean that there weren't times that were extremely hard and incredibly trying. There were nights that I would just bawl my eyes out, or sometimes I would just feel incredibly lonely. BUT New York healed me in so many ways.

Me walking Across the Brooklyn Bridge

I re-developed my independence; I traveled anywhere I wanted whenever I wanted, I carried laundry and groceries; and I maintained my little apartment.  I was able to walk in my funny way down the street and no one cared because, as a lady in a nail salon told me, "It's New York; everyone walks funny." Though the one problem is that sometimes at night, because of how I walked, cab drivers would think I was really drunk and not let me in the cab.

Yay for public transportation!

my old gym

I was able to experience New York the way I wanted to and appreciated every day I had there. When I was there I knew I was supposed to be there, and I can't even explain how much I miss it now. Nope, New York City is not for everyone; as I said, it's a city that will chew you up and spit you out, but it's my home, and believe me, if a girl with a brain injury can make it there, anyone can.