Let 'em Look

There are many things that no one can remotely warn you about when you are dealing with a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury). This is partially because no one really knows as every brain injury is different. However, many TBI's are going to make one look and/or move differently.  I went from being in a wheelchair with an eye patch to walking with a limp and moving my right arm in a funny kind of way. Basically, I went from a tangible injury (when you're in a wheelchair and wear an eye patch most people just know something is wrong and don't really look or ask questions) to one that no one could really pin-point. Some days are better than others, but even on 'good' days, when I think I am waking like a normal person, I will see someone staring, perhaps trying to figure out what is going on with me.

Me in my wheelchair at the hospital sans eye patch

At first, when my 'good' days were much worse, but I was able to walk on my own and wear no patch on my eye, I would notice that people would stare, often for too long, obviously trying to see some sort of indicator of what was wrong. For a while, I was quick to be very defensive about this, giving a dirty look back, or asking "WHAT?"  throwing my arms in the air like I was on the show Jersey Shore or something, making them look away. I wanted to scream at them that I was FINE or that "I JUST HAD BRAIN SURGERY!! IS THERE A PROBLEM YOU HAVE WITH THAT?!!" Luckily I did have some self-control. As I improved, people would sill stare but I was able to  ignore it, or give a small indifferent smile, indicating that I knew they were watching me.  As my walking got even better, I could tell that I looked semi-normal (which is a major goal) because people would often stop me or come up to me and ask if I was ok, indicating to me that they thought I had the capability of walking normally, I just wasn't. Again, at first my reaction was to be defensive and sassy answering, "yeah I'm FINE. Are you?" But one day I was struck with what I think is the Truth.

There was no reason for me to lash out even though it's easy. I am self conscious. That is just a fact. It's easy to assume that people are criticizing me the way that I criticize myself but they are not. They are most likely genuinely concerned, or honestly being nice, even just polite. No matter what, it comes from a good place. Because of that realization I have learned to be gracious and polite back.  When someone asks if I am ok, I smile, tell them that I am, and thank them. 

Sometime's people get very curious and just ask what happened, which I am more than ok with talking about (nothing to hide and they asked!) Other times many think they know what happened and will approach me and simply say, "leg surgery?" or "hip surgery?" and I just smile and pleasantly say, "No, brain" because that usually shuts them right up.