Dependency is the New Black

I have always taken pride in my own independence. "Doing my own thing" was my normal. I always kind of strayed from the crowd a little bit, and have alway valued my Alone Time. I even ended up making the move to New York City on my own and flourished for almost 7 years. I loved the feeling of being on my own. So when this whole brain injury thing went down I was essentially stripped of that ability.

When I was in the hospital, I had no choice but to let others help me. I couldn't stand up let alone feed myself and brush my own teeth. Nurses (some of the best people on Earth), therapists, my mom (another one of the best people on earth), and my sister (yet another one of the best people on Earth) helped me eat, did my hair helped me stand, sit, shower, and helped with ALL of my hygiene rituals (no need to explain any further)  When I was in the hospital, regular and therapy hospital, I easily accepted the help because I was in a situation where I knew I was supposed to welcome it. It was when I got home that relying on others became a foreign concept.  

My angel of a sister helping me stand in the hospital 

I suddenly felt awful watching my mom carry my wheel chair up and down the stairs, in and out of the car. It was NOT ok with me that my mom had to pull my hair back every day! I wanted to do things for myself.

I think the lack of self-sufficiency was a driving motivational factor in my recovery. In a matter of months I ditched the wheel chair. I made myself walk short distances, always holding onto something, and my wheelchair was always right by me just in case. By applying balance techniques I learned in therapy, and honestly just challenging and scaring myself, I was able to push myself further and further. Keep in mind that I looked nowhere near pretty or graceful while doing this. But I got rid of that chair!

I also taught myself how to pull back my hair. This was honestly done by practice and patience. Please know that this was an incredibly frustrating process but now I'm a pro at pony tails and when I want to class it up I even can do a bun! Here is an unflattering step-by-step process of how I do a pony tail

the hair tie is around my "good" fingers

place hair tie around "bad"wrist

gather all hair (this alone takes practice and training)

gather all hair into the middle of head, get "bad" hand to grasp all hair and keep it there

with "good" hand, grab the hair tie that is around the "bad" wrist

pull hair tie while still grasping hair

maneuver hair so that it loops through the hair tie

twist hair tie with "good" hand and place it around "bad" index figer

stretch hair tie

train hand to twist hair tie so that it can be placed around thumb and index finger of "good" hand

while the "good" hand is holding hair and hair tie, train your hand to put  the index finger and thumb of the "bad" hand to go through the hair tie and grab the hair (this is quite hard and requires much patience and practice)

pull hair through and voila!!

I was able to move back to New York City on my own and everything I did was a challenge and definitely frightening. It pushed me well beyond what I thought I could do, but it was the best

decision I ever made. I finally felt independent again. 

The bottom line is that I am never without help. I still don't drive (just one reason why New York was so great for someone like me - no need to drive!) I rely on my gracious friends, family, and husband for rides everywhere. Among many other things, I have to count on on either a railing or a person to get up and down stairs; I very often grab people's arms when walking over any 'rough' terrain, and I ask other people carry things for me all of the time.  I basically HAVE to rely on others so that I can be independent. 

Of course I get frustrated! I want to cry (ok I do cry) sometimes. It's not easy! The lack of personal freedom borders on awful a lot of the time. I long for the days when I can just do exactly what I want when I want to any moment. But I always keep in check how lucky I am. It's ok to ask for help. Not only is it ok, but it's a really good thing. How else am I going to get better? I need help, and people want to help. Don't get me wrong, I still strive for my own independence every day, but turning to someone to help me accomplish that is just fine. My next step is getting behind the wheel! Who wants to go on a little ride?