A Day in the Life - Let's Go Grocery Shopping!

I know I have been absent. I seem to continue to think negatively about my situation right now. I think my slump not only comes from my 'woe is me' attitude, but the fact that I recently moved to Memphis and don't really feel like myself yet. I know that this is something that almost anyone who has moved can relate to; it's just hard. It's hard for me to really open up to people I am getting to know, or in situations where I don't feel like I am in control.

I am dealing with that on top of the fact that I am getting used to introducing people I don't know to a side of myself that I am not really comfortable with yet. It's not comfortable to ask for help before you know someone, and it's hard to be myself without asking for some help. *sigh* it's a vicious cycle. I'll get over it.

To try and bring myself out of my little pity party, I decided that I need to focus on things that make me happy. One of the little things in life that gives me joy and comfort is cooking. In honor of the fall (cold-ish weather finally came to Memphis, though it's not supposed to really last) I am cooking turkey vegetable chili and corn bread muffins. In order to do that I need to take a little trip to the grocery store. For most people (excluding those in NYC etc) you just get in your car and go. For me, there i a little more strategy involved.

I need a few things to make my life easier:

I am one of the 6 people in the country that don't have the iphone yet (yes, I'm exaggerating... I'm probably 1 of about 13) so I had to get the notepad app. It's a wonderful tool for me because it makes my grocery list legible.

This disposable bag is one of my favorites. Yes it's good for the environment, but what I really value about it is that I can put it on my shoulder which helps IMMENSELY with my balance when I am carrying anything while walking.

And look! I can fold it into a little package to fit in my purse!

My cross body bag which is crucial every single day of my life. Thank God cross body bags are 'in' and popular because it makes my life so much easier. The fact that I have the use of my arms as well as the distribution of weight helps my balance a lot.

This is my walk to the store right out of my complex. The grocery store is down at the end of the street. This is not a walking town (Rarely do you see people walking for purpose here) but it's obviously very possible.

There it is! A quick .2 miles away!

Made it. Look at Righty steering the cart; clinging on for dear life.

I ended up bringing 2 grocery bags, thank goodness. One for each shoulder.

For my right side, I place the bag on my right shoulder, guide my hand to clutch the bag and try and keep my arm in place for the walk home.

Some days are harder, some days are easier, but regardless, my tools are always the same. I am so thankful that we not only live in a part of town that allows me to do this, but the fact that I am able to do this at all. That fact alone makes me a little happier.

Don't Quote That!

Honesty is the best policy, right?

Well if I am honest, the reason why I haven't been blogging lately is because sometimes it's hard to have a positive or hopeful outlook on what happened. Sometimes what was taken away can be devastating. So to write about it seems too dark, like I wouldn't want to see my own thoughts written down.

I read this quote recently: "Don't spend your'e whole life trying to get back something that was taken from you." Initially, I thought it was great; yes, life is different now! It's time to adapt. Then after thinking about it, I found the quote quite depressing. How dare someone say that? Like I said before, I refuse to get used to this and I kind of feel like that quote is telling me to do so.

I'm sorry, but was that quote referring to feeling like your personality was taken away? Your destiny as a women? Because you know what, I'm going to go ahead and fight tooth and nail to get that back. That quote is crap. Fight; get back what was taken; discover new ways to live life along the way.

So until I get out of my slump, stop thinking about how dumb that quote is, and start taking my own advice, I will think about happy and inspirational things!

Happy:
Swimming in the Pacific Ocean. I feel like me!!! I get so happy just thinking about it I want to cry.

 

Inspirational:
Brock Mealer - I wrote about him and shared his story on an earlier post. I worked out with him and got to see him make amazing progress and he just keeps FIGHTING and making more progress. If you think you're tough, you're not. Check out someone who is: (his latest progress)

http://bigstory.ap.org/article/mealer-family-walking-tall-after-tragedy

and

this video

Getting Used To It is Not an Option

It seems like the one thing that all people with a TBI can agree on, is that there are good days and bad days, mentally and physically. Movement, even agility, is almost easy on good days.; hope is limitless. Then there are other days where my limbs feel as though they weigh 1000 pounds each, and movement is almost painfully hard and my balance is so off that I can barely stand still when I want, and I am never going to make progress. I will say, my bad days aren't as bad, and there are fewer of them.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am just used to the bad days so they don't seem as hard.

I don't want to be used to this at all. I don't want to get used to not feeling anything with my right hand. I don't if there is a know a rehab that fixes that. Is there some voodoo that I can do to get my nerves to heal? Please tell me if there is. I refuse to get used to the fact that when I lay down I get so dizzy that my stomach hurts and turns. They said I don't have vertigo, so what is it? How do I make it stop? I won't get used to the fact that I can barely walk in a straight line and move without being awkward.

I'm terrified of someday accepting this as normal. I can't believe that this is all I can do. I know it's been 3 years. That seems like an awful long time to try and make this all a thing of the past. I work pretty hard to try and make this all go away, and sometimes, it doesn't seem like anything is happening. Until something does happen..

These days it's nothing big. Recently my improvements aren't as noticeable. In the past I'd celebrate tying my shoe, or walking 1000 yards, trying my shoe, or getting rid of my wheel chair. Now the improvements are much smaller. But I notice (usually; it's nice when someone points it out to me). It might just be gripping something better, or noticing that my balance is better while reaching above my head. Those little things make me continue my hard work.  And so I walk to the gym again, or type on my big embarrassing key board.

This process is BY FAR the slowest, most frustrating, tedious, pain in the ass thing I have EVER done. But I REFUSE to get used to it, or just deal with it, or let it win. I might have bad days once in a while but never do I think that I have a bad life. I need to keep that in mind when I do have a bad day, because those are inevitable.

3 years!!

It's my 3 year anniversary since my brain surgery! My right side is 3 years old. Woohoo! Goin' strong!

"There's a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."

Some Days Ya Gotta Dance

Who says therapy can't be fun?

It has been ALMOST 3 years since my surgery (my 3 year anniversary is tomorrow, September 23rd!). I get asked on a regular basis what the worst thing about my recovery is. Honestly, it's not really a fair question. Anyone who has been through this will tell you that there is not really a good aspect to this situation; constantly getting dizzy, being off balance, not being able to write or type with my right (dominant) hand, not being able to move one side of my body the way I want to, not feeling things, this list goes on and on. I know I am very blessed but there IS one thing that I might miss the most throughout this ordeal: the feeling of being care-free.

Of course I miss my independence, but I also have learned to welcome help from others (not always easy) and I have gained so much of my independence back that my mind is somehow eased by the feeling of hope. But I really don't know if I'll ever feel care-dree again. I truly miss just having fun without thinking, or going somewhere without answering to my own body.

For some reason it's really easy for me to feel very jealous when I watch people on TV. As I view people that just walk and move with ease I say, 'This will never happen to them.' But still, one of my favorite shows is So You Think You Can Dance (on Fox). I LOVE watching people dance! They are so athletic! So graceful! Such body control! I WANT TO DANCE!!!

Turns out, dancing is a great form of physical therapy! It works on balance, small muscle groups,  stabilizers, and proprioception among other things. Plus to me, dancing is a sign of pure joy, fun, and totally being care-free! Well, I am NOT going to let my own body to get in my way! I'm going to dance! I was never very good anyway, so what does it matter now?

"No one looks stupid when they're having fun" - Amy Poehlar

I was determined to dance at my own wedding and so I did. Of course sometimes I lost my balance or just danced with my feet planted on the ground and my arms flailing abut. But for maybe the first time in 3 years, I had REAL fun, and let myself be (almost) completely care free! And let me say, I don't think I ever felt so good in my life! And for a few hours, I didn't think about what I was missing at all.

Me at my wedding. Check out that dance face! Get it, girl!

Use It or Lose It

If I don't do therapy, will I lose all my progress? 

As I began my post-surgery rehab, my surgeon stressed the importance of being diligent about doing both physical and occupational therapy. As I have said before, physical therapy comes naturally to me. I enjoy being physical. Still, I find occupational therapy one of the most frustrating things I've done. 

To move my fingers individually requires a lot of effort. It's hard to describe what I feel (which is not necessarily where they are in space or anything that they are touching...or that they are touching anything!) They feel stiff and heavy, and pressure is all around them, especially at the fingertips. They don't at all do what I feel like they should; it's hard to get them to work well at all. It's truly exhausting to use my fingers and hand.

It literally takes nagging or a lot of effort to get me to work on my fine motor skills. It's not that I don't care; it's only that I don't want to go through the trouble. Does that mean that it doesn't matter to me? 

No, I guess just hope I improve without effort.

News Flash: I won't. When my surgeon talked about the importance of therapy, he said "Use it or lose it." I desperately don't want to lose it, but if I am being honest, I need motivation to use it.

My big concern right now is writing and typing. I mean, using a hair brush and a tooth brush, among other things, is important, but I think I need to go one step at a time. As I type this with one hand I realize that I have gotten accustomed to ignoring "Righty." If I don't utilize my right hand then I don't really have room to complain. 

Sooo baby steps it is. I need to commit to using my right hand to brush my hair and my teeth (I can finish up with my left hand) and it's time to use this bad boy:

That's right; it's a really large keyboard. It's huge. People laugh when they see it. But it's easier for the fingers on my right hand to navigate the large keys. It's one of my occupational therapy tools. I think if I am actually patient and diligent about it, I will make progress.

Patience and progress seem to be the themes throughout this whole endeavor. I can be physically active as much as I want, but if I don't give my right hand the time it needs, I am bound to lose all the fine motor skills that I crave. Hopefully that is motivation enough.


If anyone has recommendations for thick pens (think the girth of one of those fat highlighters) let me know.

Where There's A Will... Pico de Gallo

When I was in my therapy hospital, after a number of weeks, part of my occupational therapy was that I learned how to do 'every day life' things. I made a bed, set a table, all sorts of things. Eventually I got to make brownies; I think all I really did was stir - I don't remember cracking eggs at that point or anything. But I was excited that I got to start to cook. I developed a love of cooking in college, which was really driven by a love of food and eating. I love to eat and can HOUSE food...I definitely eat more than my husband. I should be 500lbs.
After doing some little things, I made a grilled cheese sandwich. I remember feeling accomplished because finally I made something, but I really couldn't believe how hard it was! I was learning how to cook with one 'good' hand, and one hand that didn't seem to want to help a whole lot. We then practiced holding a knife or fork, feeding myself with my right hand, cutting soft things, carrying (plastic) plates, etc. So when I got home, after a while of adjustment, I would practice cooking by making eggs for myself as well as other small meals that were pretty simple. One day I told my dad what I was doing and he said while shaking his head, "I'm not really that worried about you feeding yourself; where there's a will, there's a way."
Well that couldn't be more true. Cooking is something that I have no worries about. I'm not going to make anything overly complicated, or that requires a ton of chopping, but I can still hold my own. I have acquired a couple of gadgets that make my life SO much easier, which I will highlight more in the future. But I have still adjusted and learned how to use a sharp knife etc. I have trouble holding things without a handle with my right hand, and a lot of trouble spreading things. But I think that if I can cook, heaven's knows anyone can.
Today's recipe is for pico de gallo. I always call it salsa, but it's really not as it's all fresh, nothing cooked.
Please forgive the bad quality of these pictures and the lack of 'action' shots; I had trouble working both the camera and knife

Simple ingredients to start (it's easier for me to use jarred garlic because it's hard - and dangerous - for me to cut small things; it's not that I can't, it's just easier

One of my fav kitchen gadgets! The Cuisinart Food Processor (notice the handle!) makes life extremely easy by eliminating a lot of precise fine motor skills with the push of a button. It IS heavy so I cannot say it's my number 1 fav but it's definitely up there

So, I tried to take a picture of me chopping these, but as I said before, it was hard working a knife and a camera at once. The beauty of this is that I barely have to chop these ingredient

while holding the handle wit my left hand - because of the control - and use the spatula to scrape the ingredients into the other bowl

Check out this action shot! I was able to get both hands in the shot for this one. I am quartering the tomatoes and throwing them in the food processor. I tend to either hold the object steady while I cut with the right; other times I guide the knife with my right hand (not shown)

I pored the chopped tomatoes from the food processor easily into the other bowl (tupperware) 

Another one of my favorite kitchen gadgets.  Sometimes squeezing a lime or lemon requires 2 hands, and sometimes "Righty" doesn't like to cooperate. This tool makes getting the juice from these citruses very easy

Fresh pico!

Ingredients:
- small bunch of cilantro
- 1/2 onion (white, yellow, purple, you pick)
- 1 clove (or more or less) of garlic
- 1 jalepeno (or serrano whatever you'd like) pepper
- 3-4 vine or roma tomatoes
- 1 lime
- salt and pepper

1. Roughly chop the first 4 ingredients and toss them in the food processor
2. Blend the ingredients, and put into a bowl or tupperware
3. Cut tomatoes into quarters and put them in food processor
4. Pulse the tomatoes so they don't become just foamy juice
5. Put tomatoes in bowl or tupperware with the rest of the ingredients
6. Stir all ingredients together; add juice of 1 lime, salt and pepper to taste; stir again
7. Enjoy!!

Featured Favorite Kitchen Gadgets
Cuisinart Food Processor http://www.cuisinart.com/products/food_processors/dlc-xpbcn.html
Citrus juicer http://www.surlatable.com/product/PRO-201764/Wood-Citrus-Reamer