BIG Steps!!

I know, I haven't posted in forever! March and April were crazy months, from having multiple out-of-town visitors, to going out of town, to getting new floors in our entire home, yaddy yaddy yadda I haven't sat down to write.

BUT I have BIG news!!! I'm mobile!!!! As in, I bought a car, and I actually drive it around like a normal person!!! This isn't big news for most but for someone who craves and aches for independence, this is pretty huge.

Years ago when I was practicing driving with my friend Cassandra (in an empty parking lot) I refused to use my left foot for the gas and break. As she can attest to, things got a little scary a couple of times.  I either couldn't feel the break, or I would get my foot stuck under the gas without realizing it. Again, we were in an EMPTY parking lot and there were times when we were both breathing pretty hard, hearts racing. Years later, I still have the same problems. My problems are definitely not as consistent, but I'm not going to risk it. So my freedom out-weighed using my right foot for the pedals of my car. So yes, I manage the pedals with my left foot and steer with my left arm (occasionally I let "Righty" help)

I don't know how to express the wonderfulness of being normal. Just being able to drive myself to do everyday errands is pretty significant. It's hard to express how amazing it is to not have to always rely on a ride; and let me say, Memphis is not a pedestrian city, so yup, I pretty much had to get a ride ALMOST everywhere.

I know, big news in my world is hardly big news in any other person's world, but for me this is pretty off the charts. So look out Memphis! I'm on the road!!

I've always had Jeeps. This is #3, a Jeep Patriot! Jeep for liiiife!!

It's just so dang cute!!

Something To Write About

After surgery, I had to move to Michigan to live with my parents, leaving behind my boyfriend (now husband), some of my best friends, work, and a city I loved. I never expected recovery to be what it is. I thought that I would be back to my normal life in New York City in a matter of months (and I thought I was being generous). No one tells you that recovering from an intense brain surgery would be 100% life changing. 

I did a lot of things to try and speed up my recovery, especially once I got to Michigan. I had acupuncture 3 days a week,  pilates, physical and occupational therapy, swimming, and other cardio machines on my own. After a while, as I have said before, my dad started taking me to the University where he worked to do all sorts of exercises in their indoor facility. When I think about what we did, it was pretty impressive! I wish I could do that now! Besides working with my dad, I heard a lot of no's, or people's opinions of what my life would be like. I didn't care what people had to say, and craved someone (other than my parents) to give me hope and encouragement. 

When I started working out with Mike Barwis and his staff (namely my friend Cassandra), they changed and helped me physically to the point of performing miracles (which is what anyone can see when they look at Brock Mealer), doing things that no one seems to understand. Not only that, they gave me hope. To this day, I owe them everything, and am eternally grateful. 

I went from THIS...

To THIS!! My dad and I on my wedding day (Father-Daughter Dance)

A couple of months ago there was a nice article about my situation written. My recovery is definitely attributed to my parents, the rest of my family, my husband, and Mike Barwis and his staff.

Please read the article here:

 http://espn.go.com/colleges/michigan/football/story/_/id/8793581/michigan-wolverines-craig-roh-played-role-lindsay-robinson-recovery 

Long Time Gone

Holy Absence! I have NOT been writing at ALL! I apologize!! I started out feeling too busy to write around the holidays, then it was that I was too tired from the holidays, then it was honestly just me being lazy combined with the fact that I don't always want to write about something that seems negative. BUT I have strapped on my Big Girl Pants, feeling a little more ready to take on the world, thus making something of myself.

Because I haven't written in a long time, I feel like I have a little bit of catch up to do. I will start with the holidays. As we all crave spring, reflecting on the Holiday Season isn't really ideal, but it was a mild accomplishment for me that I feel like addressing.

The holidays were  a success for 2 reasons: 1. dealing with the holidays with this whole brain injury thing (only feeling one side of my body, struggles with walking, and major problems with balance) and I was still able to do entertain, travel, remain "on" for longer than one would think humanly possible, basically appear pretty normal throughout a trying time! and 2. Hosting and participating in my first holiday season as a married lady! The combination of those 2 things was a big feat, but I chose to succeed.

On Thanksgiving we, pretty unexpectedly, had 14 people over for dinner. We had VERY little furniture, and rushed to get more food (which wasn't even a slight problem). My awesome husband brought home 4 or 5 folding tables to set up for dinner and buffets, table cloths, a ton of chairs, and 2 industrial size trash cans. That one's such a planner! (side note: I was placing all the food on a folding table for dinner and the table collapsed. Yes, I lost it BUT by some miracle, every dish landed upright, only spilling the vase of flowers that were on the table. As my husband said, "We must be livin' right.")

Thanksgiving. I was the hostess with the mostest.

Thanksgiving appetizers and finger foods. Please note the cowboy hat  chips and salsa bowl.

Thanksgiving dinner; waaaay too much food.

I will say, that I was pretty proud of myself after Thanksgiving. As anyone can see, I cooked, KIND of decorated (barely), hosted, even survived a collapsed table! I had a lot of help, mainly my husband's uncle, who helped me with every little thing, and my friend Jaimi, who made some key dishes, and provided some serving-ware, and leant a lot of moral a support.

Christmas was much easier and just fun. We got our first Christmas tree, I took a little trip to my mothership (NYC) with my sister and one of my best friends, and went to both Odessa TX (husband's home town) and Los Angeles (my home town)

Husband re-doing my work putting the lights on our tree

My sister and I in NYC

2 pics from Christmas in Odessa, TX

Fake It Till Ya Make It...in pictures

Aaah I'm back!  I haven't written in oh-so-long for many reasons, and it's really too bad because I have a lot to write about! One thing at a time, but bottom line is that I am back, and at least for now, feeling rejuvenated!

So one of my "things" is that I am a tad self-conscious of how I look to the outside world. I once felt like I looked (somewhat) graceful, athletic, and strong. Now when I think of myself those adjectives don't even come to mind. I have become an imbalanced, un-athletic, jagged mover. To a small extent, I have come to terms with this, though I will never accept it as permanent. Having this in mind, I get it; this is how I walk and move right now; people see it, some stare yaddy yaddy yadda, but I will be damned if there are photos of me that look like there is anything wrong with me.

It has taken me a while to get this way (what with the whole having both sides of my face look symmetric and all) but for the most part I have achieved it.

I look this picture of myself in the hospital to show my sister my short hair, Clearly not symmetrical, and seriously concentrating. 

In the hospital, no eye- patch, not symmetrical!

Still in hospital, trying hard to look normal but not quite achieving.

Not to let everyone in on a secret, but if you notice, in most pictures I am using only the left side of my body. Only I seem to notice when I look 'funny.' The only thing I still worry about are my eyes, as sometimes they cross when I focus on a single small spot such as a camera. But like anyone taking a good picture, I know my angles!

Perfect example of only utilizing my left side as I stand on my left leg

My god-mother and I at The Walk for Thought in San Diego to raise money for brain injuries. It is very obvious that my right hand/arm is a little 'off' here.  

I know that in the grand scheme of things, this is not an important thing to worry about. But appearing normal is a huge part of feeling normal, which is the name of the game. I am constantly striving for life beyond what is normal for me, as I don't really have any other choice, but as far as pictures go, normalcy is just fine with me.

Bikram Will Kick You're Buttkram

As we all know, I am very diligent about working out, trying to work my body back into a state of normalcy.  I am used to working hard using weights, my own cardio routine, spin classes and some serious workouts from both the Michigan football strength team, and an assistant strength coach from the University of Memphis football program. In the past, throughout my recovery, I had done some yoga, but I was recently introduced to Bikram Yoga. Biktam is a different ball game.

I have only done it twice now, and thank you to my new sister-in-law, I was able to get some private lessons. These little private tutorials were actually really great because we were able to go slow and make plenty of adjustments, which are obviously necessary to a girl with a "limited" right side, total numbness, and a sever lack of balance.

Before I went, I heard plenty of stories about how hot it is, sometimes claustrophobic, incredibly hard and draining it can be, especially after the first time. Now, I can't really say any of this because I haven't been in an actual class yet. I will say, I sweat like a large man during it. Like, ring out my clothes afterwards, dripping in my eyes sweat, which actually makes things harder for me, as if it isn't hard enough!

Frustration throughout Bikram yoga is an under statement. In some way, I let myself get very frustrated not being able to do certain things that are easy or taken for granted for by those who aren't in my situation.(things like grasping my foot or ankle with my right hand.) But I honestly don't let myself get caught up in that. I highly doubt that once I get into class that everyone will treat this like it's a piece of cake. Obviously the instructor is going to be crazy good at every pose.

My first class is Monday. I am very excited! I honestly think that if I do it consistently, it will be something that helps a lot, and I see some sort of benefit from it. It won't happen overnight, but like every single thing that I deal with in this crazy recovery, nothing does.

Can Fish Oil Help Heal An Injured Brain?

My cousin sent me a very interesting article about how healing fish oil can be with a TBI. It's amazing that she sent this because my mom and I have been discussing the importance of fish oil! Is the universe trying to tell me something? I already take 4 pills a day but I wonder if I should increase the dosage. Any advice?

Click on the link below to read the article! So interesting!
http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/19/health/fish-oil-brain-injuries/index.html?hpt=hp_c2http://www.cnn.com/2012/10/19/health/fish-oil-brain-injuries/index.html?hpt=hp_c2

Some Work Out to Work Out; I Work Out to Work

OK so I don't lead the most exciting life.

I am very conscious that I don't always feel like I have a lot to show for my day. At the moment, I don't technically have a job (can't drive to one, need a job that would hire me yaddy yaddy yadda) but I do work. The difference in what I do now, and a "normal" job, is that my job right now is to get better. And to do that, I need to work out.

I don't work out because I am bored or want to get skinny (though c'mon, I'd be lying if I said that I didn't care if I gained a bunch of weight). I work out because I have to. It is the only way I can get my brain and body to recover. I'm aware of the fact that I will not be the same person that I used to be, but I will recover.

Moving to Memphis and adjusting to a new gym, plus realizing and accepting that my body is at a different place than it was 6 months ago, I've readjusted my workout regimen. I still do my regular workout that has both cardio (20-40 mins between the elliptical and the stair mill), lifting weights (both arms and legs), and working on my core (great for balance) as well as days where I mainly do cardio, balance, (the Bosu Ball and I have a very love/hate relationship) and some basic agilities.

Look at these 2 nuts! They seem to be loving the Bosu Ball!

Lately, I have combined my old workout with new things. I have started doing spin class 1-3 days a week (which is obviously a great cardio workout but also is great for balance, muscle control, and my grip), and occasionally a class that really challenges my small muscle groups, balance, and stability. Then a few weeks ago, I started to work out with an assistant strength coach for the football team at the University of Memphis 1-2 days  week. With him, I have lifted weights, challenging muscles that I don't normally reach, which helps with my proprioception as well as making muscle fibers fire that aren't necessarily firing that should be. We also do agility type wok which challenges my body to move in ways that should be easy and are not. These days kill me. Next week (hopefully) I am starting Bikram Yoga. I am pretty sure that this will take challenging me to a new level. From everything that I am told and read about I think it'll be great for me as well as insanely hard for me. I'll definitely document how that goes.

Basically, through doing all of this, I am consistently working my muscles to create new pathways between my body and my brain. In doing so repetitively the goal is that my brain will use these new pathways and fire these muscles, stabilizers, use balance, and proprioception on its own, without me forcing it to do so.

Like any job, there are days when I am not motivated, not productive, or play hooky. But also like having a job, I make myself go at least 5 days a week. I have to be consistent or I take steps backwards which, in this scenario, it's just not ok. I work out not only for me, but for my family, my husband, my friends, and my future family. I have real goals and motivations.  Working out is my job; my profession, and I don't usually take it lightly.